How did we get here?

Like most baby stories, this one begins with finding a soulmate and then falling in love. I believe the song goes something like this:

Mike and Lee Ann sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes Mike and Lee Ann with a baby carriage!

But what happens where there is no baby carriage? How do couples facing infertility cope? If you had asked me this a year ago I would have shrugged my shoulders and thought it wouldn't happen to me. Now, I feel like a veteran of a war that I didn't want to be a part of.

We belong to an exclusive club where membership cannot be revoked. It's called the Infertile Couples Club and if you ask me, it's a crappy club. I wish I wasn't in it. Mike wishes he wasn't in it either.

When we met and fell in love, we talked about all those things that couples talk about before they get married, including the topic of children. We both wanted a family, and quite a large family at that. (Who knew there were men out there with dreams of big families?) Like most couples, we thought it would be relatively easy to get pregnant. We were both in excellent health so why should we think any different? Turns out it's really hard to get preggo if you're part of the Infertile Couples Club. (Again, how can I get out of this one? Is there an unsubscribe button?)

Way back when (it's been so long I can hardly remember) I came off birth control, we thought we'd give this whole pregnancy thing one good shot and then back off. We were set to get married in the spring and my dress wasn't the kind that could cover a baby bump. In fact, I wouldn't be able to zip it if we got pregnant, but I was willing to ditch the dress if I could have a baby.

It worked!

I was over the moon when I got a positive pregnancy test that first month we tried. It was easy!! I was elated. I knew immediately that I was pregnant and tested before AF was even set to arrive. When those two pink lines showed up, I jumped around and clapped in the bathroom. (If you know me, you probably have a great mental image of this.) I went out that very moment and bought a boat load of baby booties and spread them all around in Mike's sock drawer and then anxiously awaited until he needed some clean socks. It took that man forever to need some socks! I remember him holding up that tiny little sock with a most inquisitive look on his face. It took a while before it sunk it, but he was so happy. We were going to have a family and it was  so easy.

I spent hours just staring at my belly and wondering about the little bean hanging out in there. I talked to it. I bonded with it. I was so attached to it and it wasn't even here yet. Mike mostly looked at me like I had lost my mind but I think he was secretly talking to little bean when I was asleep.

And then....

the spotting started. I was a little alarmed so I contacted my midwife. I knew spotting could be normal and I wasn't supposed to have my first scan until 12 weeks. After all, we weren't expecting any problems so why have unnecessary scans? She had me come in to have betas drawn and my worst fears were confirmed. I was going to miscarry.

Enter from stage left World's Worst Devastation. Miscarriage is painful, and not just physically. Mentally it was awful too. How could I be losing this little bean? I stayed hopeful though. We got pregnant once and it was our first attempt so surely I would get pregnant again.

Ha.
Ha.
Ha.

Life is funny like that. We kept trying and nothing happened. My gut told me something was wrong so I pushed for fertility testing and sure enough, I had issues. We were put on preliminary membership to the Infertile Couples Club. We started fertility treatments with my midwife the same month we got married. It was more of the same. Nothing happened, and my issues clearly were not going to be fixed with the current regime of medications.

Now what?

So what exactly is my problem you ask? I have what is called a luteal phase defect. It means my body is horrible at making progesterone. It means the egg doesn't have enough time to implant on my uterus before AF shows up. Even if I manage to get pregnant, I miscarry. Awesome huh? (This is so not what I really had planned for my life.)

Mike started his fertility work up just after we were married. I'll save the details about the horrifying experience of Semen Analysis for another post. It may, in fact, be the most awkward experience either of us ever have. For better or worse, Mike makes funny sperm. (I picture them with clown hats.) This pretty much sealed out spot on the Infertile Couples Club membership list. (Mike would like for me to point out that he makes like three times the number of sperm that a normal dude makes so his clown hat wearing sperm issue isn't near as big of a deal as my Hostile Uterus issue. He is so proud of his sperm production.)

Fast forward to today, July 23rd, and we were finally sitting in the RE office for our initial consult. (The RE is a Reproductive Endocrinologist and they deal with all things infertility as well as a host of other hormonal problems.)

I may have freaked him out a tad with my color coordinated medical records but I can't be sure.

Today was the first day we got serious about conceiving. It was the first day we really had to admit we have a problem. I have yet to wrap my head around how I feel about this whole thing. Mike keeps making warrior poses. He carries the hope for both of us. (I love that man!)

We call our adventure Operation Baby Johnson because we have officially declared war on my girlie parts. Mike's clown hat wearing sperm have been put on standby and are ready for battle. We will make this baby (or die trying!!)